Why every girl is afraid of marriage

A friend of mine is going through a painful divorce and it prompted me to write at length today on “Marriage!”

We all must have heard time and again how men (mostly) develop cold feet when it comes to commitment but, these days I’ve also known many women going through the same anxiety. And even though the modern day marriages are far more evolved than the traditional concept of marriages, but, somewhere at their root they still remain the same. The fact remains, how much a woman has to adjust, change her lifestyle, her ways & her behaviour just so she isn’t looked down upon. How much she has to hold back certain feelings and how she has to fake certain others, in a new environment to be liked by all. Basically, how much and how hard she has to try to “fit in.”

It could well be all debatable because a lot of people would disagree with what am saying and to all those who would disagree, I’ll just say “Damn! You’re lucky if you don’t have to go through half of all this!”

To begin with, it’s a woman who has to decide to pack her bags and move out of her house to make a new home. It’s exciting to start a new life when you know who your partner is (as in, he’s not a complete stranger or has been your partner for a while) but, it could really be nerve wrecking when one is getting married to a total stranger!

The girl envisions how her life would be in a new home, with new people and new things around her and not to forget, a load full of expectations from her on how she should act and behave. The parents, elders and other married couples start giving advice on how she should conduct herself and what not to do, to avoid any wrath from the new family. Needless to say the girl is already weighed down by the thoughts about her future, as she is with the idea of being polite and submissive to please everyone.

It’s easier said than done, that one doesn’t have to please “everyone”, but, the truth is, that in reality everyone is scrutinizing you since they lay their eyes on you. They are waiting to find faults in an “Oh so perfect and demure bride.” My point is that, why should a bride expected to be just so perfect?!She is as normal as anyone in the new family. And like everyone in the new family has their own personalities (which has a good and bad side) she too would have one. Why should a new bride substantiate to an image of an ideal bahu?!Actually, in reality there isn’t a perfect “bahu” because there are no perfect people in this world. God has made everyone with their own personalities, with their own black, whites and greys! So, it’s always better if people accept a new person in the family with open arms and open mindedness (with low expectations.)It’s better to smile and willingly welcome the new person rather than form an army of hostile people against her looking to bring her down at her slightest of mistakes.

When the TVC “Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi” started it was just a phrase people could relate to but, even that didn’t show much on the lines of its title. What it really did suggest is, that, every woman who is a mother-in-law (or sis-in-law too) to the new bride now, would’ve been a new bride at some point in life having new in laws for herself. Why then these women forget that what didn’t please them in terms of behaviour (from their in laws) would please the new bride? Be it demands of dowry/harassment in terms of her appearance/her family background/caste etc....it’s all so disappointing, demeaning and hurtful. Yet people go on unabashedly criticising and cornering the new member.

Getting intimidating (sometimes for no reason or sometimes with a reason that could have been very trivial) just adds bitterness amongst everyone. A lot of insignificant things can be overlooked if one takes the new person as one of their own and move on ignoring small flaws. I’ve seen and heard of mother in laws getting jealous and possessive about their sons, accusing the daughter in law of creating rift, animosity and fights between the families. Why would any sane woman want to create a rift between anyone? It’s just that the prejudice towards the wife that anything remotely unpleasant from her drives the in laws up the wall! I won’t deny that there could be women who do this...I’ve also known of women who do this and have broken families and separated the sons from the rest of the family...but, thinking all women are like this isn’t correct either.

There have also been issues on how they dress up and how they conduct themselves. Of course there comes a limitation to the kind of clothes one wears in front of in laws. I, for instance, know many girls who out of respect for elders, avoid wearing westerns and deep cuts in front of family elders...but, enforcing anything when none of your people follow it, is just so wrong! Like in case, if your daughter wears western clothes(skirts etc) why raise eyebrows when your daughter in law wears them.(And this, when she wouldn’t wear it in front of you,but,when she’s with her husband and friends or her family) Why call her and give her moral lectures on dressing up?

It also includes habits here...if your kids smoke, drink, party-why form opinions if the new member does the same. Why call her lose character and cheap??

I’ve also seen in laws running down the poor new member if she doesn’t know how to cook. My friend was (still is) a bad cook and she accepts it too. But, it’s absolutely okay for somebody not to enjoy cooking. She bakes well and likes experimenting with western dishes and loves eating out...but, she can’t cook Indian food to save her life! What makes me surprised is why not accept that fact about her and let her be, instead of trying to fit her in the traditional mode!

There are various other things which make women wary right before their marriage. How to talk, how to walk, how to adorn yourself with ornaments and how to talk to whom and also who not to talk to from the family. If your in laws aren’t fond of someone in the family and God forbid you get along with that person then heaven save you from the collective rage and fury and taunts from the in laws.

All this concludes to the one thing that can avoid tensions and hostility between the bride and the in laws...That one word is acceptability. If people accepted each other for who and what they are instead of misjudging, miscalculating each others’ actions and stop forming and spreading unnecessary ill formed opinions then the whole family can be a big happy place.

We all have our share of differences-We even fight with God, why then hate somebody for something trifling and force everyone around to hate that person too. I read this amazing quote by Mufti Ismail Menk-

“Those who have nothing better to do, have all the time to spread bad things about others. Occupy yourself with something truly beneficial.”

So one should spread love and not rumours and ill feelings about others!

 

Why not accept an old nagging mom in law and why not accept a young bride with a mind of her own. Why not accept she’s like your daughter and why not accept that your mom in law could be like your mother too! Why not gather everyone and have happy dinners and lunches. Why not have fun outings with more people around! Why hate...why not love? Why disrespect, why not accept!?

Why not spread love and feel happy about yourself and others...spread happiness, spread smiles...accept, tolerate, forgive and forget. We have one life, live it happy!

There’s an ocean of thoughts that can flow out on this topic but, I’ll conclude with another beautiful quote I rested my eyes on recently it’s by Madeleine L’Engle-

“No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I’ve been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope ahs flickered silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again- till next time. I’ve learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won’t stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed.”

Here’s hoping we live our lives with peace, love and tolerance rather than hatred, jealousy and ruthlessness! God bless to all.