Kabhi kabhi ye zindagi ek kashmakash si lagti hai...
Sometimes my eyes just well up with tears, the reason of which is totally unclear & uncertain.
My mind stirs a fiery blizzard and I go into a deep thought. Not having a hindsight how & when things will differ from what they are.
Droning to the extent of being bore , insipid- without many friends your own and annulled with a feeling that this void will never get filled now!
Some close friends are “too married” to be getting very close to , some too much into their own lives and mundane jobs, some trying to make their lives –the “dream life” they’ve always wanted to. Leaves you with not much option but to be friends with your ownself. That’s why someone very rightly put it that it’s the relationship you have with yourself which is most important. More than anything else, such times make you realise your self-worth and your strengths and weaknesses.
These times also make you claustrophobic, confused and sometimes shattered within. Well, I feel all of these and some more!
I feel angry- on my ownself for always getting into silly situations & then behaving like an ostrich not wanting to see the approaching trouble. I feel sad- how I could allow someone to put me in this situation and not even feel apologetic for it. I feel responsible- coz I’ve taken this stand to be on my own and fought the world to follow my dream , so I better live upto it! I also feel grateful - to my father & my sister & few friends who supported me in this madness and still hope I’ll make it big someday on my own terms! I hope God listens to their prayers if not mine!
I was mentioning the other day that this life is a race. Everyday is a new race for something or the other! You race to wake up in the morning, you race from your sleep & laziness. You race to get dressed and reach work/school in time. You race to be at the top every new day.
I always think of my school days and the sports day. We used to have the athletics meet and no matter what I would always come 2nd or 3rd! Never got to winning a race barring once or twice! Even if I would start a relay race, take a huge lead in the beginning and handed the baton to the 2nd girl, the 3rd one dropped the gap and we ended coming 2nd to my dismay! I would come back home crying yet again for not coming “1st” Luckily for me, I have a God sent father. He always told me to look ahead for the next race and not cry over what was over. Hence I kept running till I was in school, with a hope to win that “next race” only, I never did!
But, does that matter now! Yes, coz it taught me a lesson never to stop hoping, never to stop dreaming. To be passionate about whatever I want in life and even if that doesn’t get me to the top slot, it’ll get me somewhere at least. Like they say hope for the moon , if nothing you will at least land among the stars!:-)
I admire my sister for the similar fact. She used to be a little heavy in school days. A basketball fanatical, a geek (she loved her books) yet a power packed sportswoman!(she was the sports captain of our school) When she ran her 1st race n that too a long distance race, she surprised everyone including me by coming 1st!!! I was proud of her :-) I love her to death!!!
We were fighters in our own rights! Till date she fights and faces several jealous colleagues at office, outshines them and has held her ground strong! Again, she’s a dreamer in her own way (just a bit lazy in realizing her dreams) and doesn’t give up! Whether its her relationship with her spouse (which is 12yrs long now) or her endurance in handling herself alone, amid crisis situations or for that matter handling my drama sessions of occasional emotional outbursts.
For today, my mantra is I shouldn’t feel down and out nor should I feel sad and lonely. I should go back to my old school days where I would look forward and prepare myself for that next “BIG RACE” of my life!
I didn’t have the courage to live alone but, now I’m glad I’m learning (though the hard way). I hate dependence-makes u so weak! I look back and realise I was so weak, coz I felt torn-between my ambitions and love. Having someone to call your own and to depend upon when you are down and out is different but, having someone who pulls your dreams and you down is much rather different! Its good to have someone you love but, you’d rather want someone who loves you back the same too! These are lessons learnt as I grew up and grew out from my relationship! ( Rather still growing out of it even after its long over)
I’ve realised that its only I, who can get myself out from my self made prison. Its only I, who can give myself that strength to move on in life and live the dream I’ve dreamt!
When everything around stinks of malice & dishonesty, its only I, who can move to positive pastures treading the right path !
Sometimes God gives you signs and you choose to ignore them. Then God turns around, slaps you a reality on your face and says ”Don’t you get it!?This isn’t for u!” Makes you cry for the loss of that thing/person and after some months down the line, what do you see? A stronger, radiant, happier you! :-) New opportunities knocking your door, new people bringing positivity and ear to ear smiles on your face and a new faith and determination to make you move on!
Sometimes my eyes just well up with tears, the reason of which is totally unclear & uncertain.
My mind stirs a fiery blizzard and I go into a deep thought. Not having a hindsight how & when things will differ from what they are.
Droning to the extent of being bore , insipid- without many friends your own and annulled with a feeling that this void will never get filled now!
Some close friends are “too married” to be getting very close to , some too much into their own lives and mundane jobs, some trying to make their lives –the “dream life” they’ve always wanted to. Leaves you with not much option but to be friends with your ownself. That’s why someone very rightly put it that it’s the relationship you have with yourself which is most important. More than anything else, such times make you realise your self-worth and your strengths and weaknesses.
These times also make you claustrophobic, confused and sometimes shattered within. Well, I feel all of these and some more!
I feel angry- on my ownself for always getting into silly situations & then behaving like an ostrich not wanting to see the approaching trouble. I feel sad- how I could allow someone to put me in this situation and not even feel apologetic for it. I feel responsible- coz I’ve taken this stand to be on my own and fought the world to follow my dream , so I better live upto it! I also feel grateful - to my father & my sister & few friends who supported me in this madness and still hope I’ll make it big someday on my own terms! I hope God listens to their prayers if not mine!
I was mentioning the other day that this life is a race. Everyday is a new race for something or the other! You race to wake up in the morning, you race from your sleep & laziness. You race to get dressed and reach work/school in time. You race to be at the top every new day.
I always think of my school days and the sports day. We used to have the athletics meet and no matter what I would always come 2nd or 3rd! Never got to winning a race barring once or twice! Even if I would start a relay race, take a huge lead in the beginning and handed the baton to the 2nd girl, the 3rd one dropped the gap and we ended coming 2nd to my dismay! I would come back home crying yet again for not coming “1st” Luckily for me, I have a God sent father. He always told me to look ahead for the next race and not cry over what was over. Hence I kept running till I was in school, with a hope to win that “next race” only, I never did!
But, does that matter now! Yes, coz it taught me a lesson never to stop hoping, never to stop dreaming. To be passionate about whatever I want in life and even if that doesn’t get me to the top slot, it’ll get me somewhere at least. Like they say hope for the moon , if nothing you will at least land among the stars!:-)
I admire my sister for the similar fact. She used to be a little heavy in school days. A basketball fanatical, a geek (she loved her books) yet a power packed sportswoman!(she was the sports captain of our school) When she ran her 1st race n that too a long distance race, she surprised everyone including me by coming 1st!!! I was proud of her :-) I love her to death!!!
We were fighters in our own rights! Till date she fights and faces several jealous colleagues at office, outshines them and has held her ground strong! Again, she’s a dreamer in her own way (just a bit lazy in realizing her dreams) and doesn’t give up! Whether its her relationship with her spouse (which is 12yrs long now) or her endurance in handling herself alone, amid crisis situations or for that matter handling my drama sessions of occasional emotional outbursts.
For today, my mantra is I shouldn’t feel down and out nor should I feel sad and lonely. I should go back to my old school days where I would look forward and prepare myself for that next “BIG RACE” of my life!
I didn’t have the courage to live alone but, now I’m glad I’m learning (though the hard way). I hate dependence-makes u so weak! I look back and realise I was so weak, coz I felt torn-between my ambitions and love. Having someone to call your own and to depend upon when you are down and out is different but, having someone who pulls your dreams and you down is much rather different! Its good to have someone you love but, you’d rather want someone who loves you back the same too! These are lessons learnt as I grew up and grew out from my relationship! ( Rather still growing out of it even after its long over)
I’ve realised that its only I, who can get myself out from my self made prison. Its only I, who can give myself that strength to move on in life and live the dream I’ve dreamt!
When everything around stinks of malice & dishonesty, its only I, who can move to positive pastures treading the right path !
Sometimes God gives you signs and you choose to ignore them. Then God turns around, slaps you a reality on your face and says ”Don’t you get it!?This isn’t for u!” Makes you cry for the loss of that thing/person and after some months down the line, what do you see? A stronger, radiant, happier you! :-) New opportunities knocking your door, new people bringing positivity and ear to ear smiles on your face and a new faith and determination to make you move on!
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